Many people have very unsatisfactory interactions in their relationships. It takes time to change them, so people must be willing to come to counseling regularly until they have made significant improvement. Unfortunately, some couples come a few times and things improve slightly. Slightly is not good enough.
People who have addictions have to admit to their addictions before counseling can help them. Otherwise, counselors are knocking on a bolted shut door. Once someone admits that there is excessive and obsessive behavior, then coming to counseling can help that person open up and examine his or her actiions. It helps when other members of the family come to the counseling session.
I believe that therapists should be warm and provide an accepting atmosphere. No one wants to come to therapy to feel blamed. People who come to counseling need to be accepted before they can change for the better.
Kindness towards all others is very important and I try to impart that to my clients. Holding grudges or being chronically angry is very bad for the psyche and accomplishes nothing. We can choose how we are going to feel long term towards someone else. Initially the immediate feeling may point one in the right direction for clarity but it is not good to malinger in bad feelings indefinitely.
I have taught assertion training for many years and now do it in my office with individual clients.
It is amazing to me how one’s life can become more energized and powerful when that person chooses words to be firm but polite instead of passive or aggressive. Assertion is a life saver but it takes practice, perseverance, and a willingness to accept the disapproval of those who do not want to hear an authentic response.
Many people hesitate to come to see a counselor because they fear they will hear things about themselves that are critical and blaming. The opposite is usually the case. Situations are discussed with the behaviors of all concerned, not just pointing fingers at one person. Blaming is not an issue; learning how to interact in more effective ways are examined, for all the parties involved. Those who try to figure out how to have a less angry or argumentative relationship are to be admired, even though their past behavior may not have been helpful or kind. Counseling helps people see more clearly if they are open to doing so.
Now is a good time to look at what you want to improve on for the new year. What are your weaker points? How do you plan to work on improvement? Keeping a daily log is very helpful if you want to track improvement. Practice of the new behavior needs to occur daily if you really want to change. It is no easy task.
Many people get depressed over the holidays. Is Is it too much rushing about, fighting the increase in traffic, expecting a magazine glossy looking house or lots of friends around?
We need to be realistic and not try to do too much, understanding that the holidays are for relaxation, nor frantic entertaining or non stop shopping. Simplify everything, if possible.
Please see my article on my website re laughter’s importance in relationships. We do not always have to be so serious and intense about everything. Just avoid sarcasm as a weapon. Sarcasm is often anger masked as playfulness.
I advise families to have weekly activities together, whenever possible. The marriage partners need time apart too, which we call date night. But the family sitting together talking, listening to music, playing board games, or even watching something interesting on t.v. is important. Parents need to get their kids interested in what is going on in the news, what is going on in the world aside from their personal worlds.
The purpose of developing good self esteem is to get to the point where self esteem is not an issue any more. You can grow beyond worrying about your self esteem. This idea refers to not needing everyone’s approval and being acceptant of what you are doing, knowing that you might be in error and that too can be accepted. Self esteem is a high goal to achieve and to go beyond it, even higher.